there is no sensible title

on a wednesday morning b and i both start at the same time for our law lesson, as i was leaving my house to walk to the bus stop Bs mother drove past on her way to take her 2 other sons to school as b was already on the bus i was getting. she saw me and she knows i saw her, she skulked past in her car and hunched her shoulders, the traffic was bad so she was driving slowly. what did i do? i walked past with my head held as high as possible i played with my hair, i smiled, i made sure i oozed confidence and i made sure she saw.

what did she do? rang B to tell him i was getting the bus and that he couldnt talk to me and that he had best not still be seeing me.

what did i do then? got on the bus and sat with his arms around mine for the whole journey.

 

what else do you have left?

 

also the other day b was in the kitchen making himself a drink and his mum just says to him, are you going out with d?

no, why?

because your happy.

how bad must things be that him being slightly happy equates to him having me as a girlfriend.

 

their logic confuses me.

a mix of some sorts :)

‘…you left me here to be broken hearted’

i found a new site just googling terms such as interacial relationships brings up many hits and i am now starting to wonder where the differences and similarities lie with black/white and brown/white relationships.

http://www.interracialdatingcentral.com/blog/

this site has been such an interesting read ill add it to my homepage later.

ever since i can remember i have never believed myself to be better than another because of my skin colour, i do not see someone of a different race as an alien or someone of another species, but when you think about it the term interacial does bring about such images. B is not an alien and neither am i. we are just 2 people, in a relationship, we are on equal measures. we both bleed the same colour blood.

by saying interacial it sounds as if you are dipping into some unkown place that should be forbidden, something bad, but let me tell you, meeting b was possibly the best thing that could ever happen to me. but then again this is probably the most emotional time of my life.

labeling is for food packages.

i was thinking the other day, just day dreaming really and i wondered if b and i were to have children, on those forms you fill out for equal oppurtunities and records etc, what would they put?

asian?

british white?

either way our kids are going to face some sort of identity issues thats just the way it is, i would never make an attempt to raise my kids white, nor would i raise them the indian way, i’d just do what i thought was best, id hate to be constantly consciously thinking about how to raise a mixed race child compared to just a child, from the start that is giving them a different identity and a sense of being the odd one out, this is how these race issues start out

B sent me this link…

http://www.karensinclair.com/?p=3

wow.

at last…

i got the phone back today

this is an achievement to say the least, considering it took so long!

this past week they have been saying that they cannot give it to B, because he is not allowed to see me, even though we go to the same college, have the same group of friends and sit together in 2 lessons.

they had said they would drop it off at my house to B, although i was not supposed to be aware of this. on the third day of promising they gave in and gave it to him to give to a friend to then give to me.

how did B persuade them to let him give the phone back? all he had to say was that my mum would be in and wouldnt be happy with her turning up on my doorstep. cowardice much? thus proving the idea that they have been all talk.

a further conversation with B today has lead me to add another page to the site, entitled,’so what have they done wrong?’ im sure you can compile your own list… 

~

ive been having more indepth conversations with mum recently, especially when university applications and visits are becoming important.

she just thinks his parents are silly and are digging themselves into a much bigger hole. she told me not to be angry, just to pity them, becuase really they havent got a clue.

something else to note, in the race relations act there is no mention of racism towards white people, hmm now isnt that just our luck?

also, i live in an area where there is a very good secondary school, where people will move house to get their children into, i just got in when we moved here, but B and his brother got in because they brought a flat in the catchment area, and they are about to sell it now his littlest brother has just got in to go in september, i wish there was a way to get them for this, but his little brother shouldnt suffer due to his ignorant racist scum parents. ill stop before i get really angry.

~

here is another snippet of a conversation i had with B earlier today, we were talking about all the things they have done wrong and he is helping me to write it, he was reeling off things and i mentioned that his dad had threatened to kill him:

read into this how you wish…

bhal says:

*no they said you

*implied that they would kill you

*but never said that

*but they said they’d kill me

Daisyann (L) says:

 

 

 

*kill me?

 

 

 

bhal says:

 

 

 

*he said ill do something stupid and i dont care if i go inside

 

 

 

Daisyann (L) says:

 

 

 

*so he threatened to kill me?

 

 

 

bhal says:

 

 

 

*well

*i dont know what he meant by that

*but thats what i thought

 

 

the post i didnt want to do…

so b came round a few weeks ago and that was the day when they saw him near my bus stop.

he now had my old phone, and it was soo nice to be able to text him, he would just look at it every hour or so, it was hidden in his sock draw.

things were going well, so obviously something had to give.

on sundays we both work and i was feeling hungry so i went to get something to eat from my bag and just happened to look at my phone.

i had three texts.

the first was from b’s normal phone, it said:

daze dads found the phone and seen the texts, shit what are we gonna do?

the second:

are you sure you have had your period this week?

the third:

you their?

the last 2 were from B’s dad.

he had found the phone and gone to see b at work to ask him if he had been ‘fucking around’, bhal said no, but then his dad explained he had seen the phone and the texts.

and i am incredibly embarassed to say this but i thought i was pregnant because my period was an hour late, yes we used protection, but my period is always so regular, i panicked, i was at my dads at the time and B and i were texting about what we would need to do if my period didnt come, we were very organised and knew what we had to do, thankfully an hour later i did have my period and we were both incredibly relieved.

turns out b didnt delete the texts…

his dad tried to get him to come home from work, but he refused. so when it came to 5 o clock both his parents came to get him from work and put his bike in the car.

meanwhile i was still at work and after seeing the texts immediately broke down, everything had been going so well, the manager saw me crying and i ended up telling her everything in her office, she understood and was helpful.

i was very worried about my parents finding out and i was worried they would be disappointed in me, my manager suggested i should tell them, at least before B’s parents told them for me. so i went home after my shift, and said it straight out to my mum, she was slightly upset but knew what i was going through and was there to talk to me.

i calmed down and stopped crying and just made my self busy, i later heard from b, they had both phones but didnt think to take his laptop.

they had shouted. alot. told him he was mad, i was taking him for a ride, told him he was going to kill him, they would tell everyone he had been sleeping around *correction, he had been sleeping with me actually.

these are snippets of the conversations i had with B that evening and the following morning:

this was the first i heard…

(18:47) bhal : well dads gonna pretty much kill me and mums happy for me to leave
so i dont know what to do umm
lots of shouting
im disgusted in you your not my son
on
son
your mad
theres something wrong in your brain
umm

at this point the conversation was not so much drifting there was nothing we could say without being face to face…

(20:48) Daisyann: not really sure what else to say
its the sort of thing we just have to see how it goes

figuring out what was next…

(20:48) bhal : i dunno because mum said she wanted to see us break up
so if i do turn up one day and say its over
then dw, i dont mean it 

 then it suddenly got slightly more serious…

(22:03) bhal : mum said pack your bags when you get back from your exam

this all occuring the day before his biology exam by the way, so you can tell he was going to go there feeling prepared and not stressed at all.

so what did he do? he packed his bag, he got out a biggish bag and took out some cloethes, his razor, deoderant and got ready. then his mum came in…

(23:15) bhal : she said you might be living here
but your nothing to do with us now
and i dont have any more chances
and then she saw the bag
and said were will you go

and then she said shes happy for me and you to go off
but then i cant come back

this pissed me right off, because during that time when he was told he would have to leave, both b and i had been researching place and options for him. we found out about foyers, shelters, care, fostering, he called childline and connnexions, he was truly scared, and it was heartbreaking.

then she came back (do these people not sleep- it was a sunday night!)

(23:54) bhal : o okay
umm she said sleep
and what time are you getting up
and did you use a condom and did you want her to be pregenat they seem to think that your a chav

(23:55) Daisyann: just cause my house doenst have a gate!

(23:55) bhal : well theyve said worse than that tbh but nvm its not important

(23:56) Daisyann: bhal tell me

(23:57) bhal : no im not saying the things theyve said to you i love you okay

and your not anyof these things, whore slut chav, dwarf, pig, trash,
there more
but i dont know
right now

o and bitch
they said bitch a lot

well this got me angry, fuming, how dare they, i may not be rich but that does not make me trash or a chav. i may not be stick thin, but i am not a pig, i may be sleeping with your son but that does not make me a slut or a whore. i am not a bitch, i know that for sure.

we then both slept, kind of, neither of us had a comfortable night, we arranged to talk in the morning at 8 as well before he went for his afternoon exam, which was the last thing on his mind.

(08:23) bhal : hes gone, keeps saying that hes going to kill me and hitting me
and saying hes going to show every one the texts

(08:25) Daisyann: what else has he said

(08:25) bhal : that i have to end it or he’ll kill me, and that were mad
and need therapy

(08:26) Daisyann: ok so how are you feeling

(08:27) bhal : like i want to break down, and just curl up somewhere  and sit. and they keep saying that ive done wrong, we haven’t actually done anything wrong
have we?  

 no of course we have done nothing wrong, not at all.

his dad then took him to college and i came into college as well, i had no reason to be there, but if his parents saw me they werent to know that.

we met in the cathedral grounds and just talked, and laid there, we decided to talk to someone. we are going to book a counselling appointment at college and have told a teacher from our secondary school we both trust, and she ahs looked into what Bs options are.

thing is you cant really say he has been abused, because his life isnt in danger, only when his dad finds out about us both. b wants to leave, but its where can he go? he wants to stay at home as long as possible, and i understand that, its hard to leave home, its jsut the worry that if we are caught again he may not have the choice of staying at home, so right now we are just looking for options, and making sure he can go to university. why should he sacrifice his tutor at the hands of his racist parents?

 

and one final note, isnt it slightly odd for a 40 something year old man texting his sons girlfriend to ask her about her period?